Emotion and Empathy

I wrote this entry a while ago but never published it because I was saving it for a week without a meeting to write about.  Even though its from one of the classes with the agency we are no longer working with, its still part of the process we've been going through to prepare us to be adoptive parents. 
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Class #1, Reflections:

When you first think of infant adoption, what emotions spring into your mind?

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Excitement, joy, eager anticipation, enthusiasm, and relief flash to the forefront of my mind!  Especially after such a heart wrenching wait for a child I enjoy these emotions 100%...open those floodgates!  Why wouldn't I?  They are far better than the grief and sadness along the way that lead us to this place.  In my mind, Adoption = a joyful event!

Hold that thought.  Adoption affects more than my husband and me.  In our first class at the agency we were challenged to reflect on the life experience, emotion and consequence, both past, present, and future, for all three in the triad: the adoptive parents, the birth parents, and most importantly the child.   The resultant understanding will be crucial for us in raising an adopted child and maintaining an ongoing relationship of openness with the birthparents.  Ok, I admit, before the class I had only given this a passing thought since the "joy" portion was much more fun. 

The primary yet essential tool we took away from the class:  Empathy.

 Here are list of griefs that may, though not in all cases, touch each party along the way.  Please consider them with an open heart.

1) The birthparents may grieve...

• the opportunity to parent and to see their child learn and grow on a daily basis.  They may never have another "first-born."
• having to watch the child they gave birth to go home with somebody else
• potential rejection by the birthfather, society, their family, church, or of self
• the loss of a childhood (a younger mother may no longer be able to relate to her peers or join into their daily lives due to pregnancy, emotions of placing the child, etc)
• potential regret later in life
• a potential feeling of lack of closure
• their lack of control over the openness in the adoption (what if the adoptive parents do not maintain agreed upon contact?)
• the fear that their child will not respond to them or want any relationship or contact with them
• the fear that their child will be rejected in life as an "adoptee" 
• feeling judged for their choices
• the decision that they can not care for their child

2)  The adoptive parents may grieve...

• potentially years of struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or still birth
• shame in not being able to conceive or carry a pregnancy
• the loss of sharing a genetic link to their child. ("She has your eyes."  "He has your talent.")
• the loss of bonding with their child through pregnancy, child birth, and breast feeding
• lack of control over the formation of their family
• the unknown of the genetics that will influence who the child becomes (likes/dislikes, personality, medical history)
• their own uncertainty of open adoption and fear that they are in competition with the "other parents"
• a fear of rejection by their child as his/her parents
• the guilt in "taking" a child from someone who will now grieve (even though this was their desire)
• a lack of control
• for their child, that they may experience the grief listed below

3)  The child may grieve..

• the loss of not knowing what it would have been like to have biological parents and maybe siblings
• the doubts that may tempt them such as "why did my birthparents give me away?," "was I not good enough?," "can my parents give me away too?," "who am I and where did I come from?" (open adoption helps alleviate these doubt by providing real relationships and understanding) 
• the loss of the birth family heritage and culture
• their self worth if doubts and fears inhibit confidence in establishing a personal identity
• fearing rejection or being "second best" if other children are in the home
• their own curiosity about their background, fearing that questions are in some way disloyal to his/her family
• shame of carrying faults (genetic, circumstantial) of birthparents
• a stigma that adoption was possible due to unideal circumstance
• a lack of control

The purpose of these lists of potential griefs is not to be depressing (which is what we expected from the class) but rather to assist in the opening of our minds, better enabling us to see the experience from the perspective of someone else.  Only then will the full potential of adoption, both in all its joys and all its sorrows, truly be available to those touched and affected by the experience.

With this entry I pray,
God, as we imagine and enjoy our own joys through this journey of adoption, please help us to come outside of ourselves so we can genuinely extend empathy towards the birthparents and our future child.  Help us to see them for all that they are and all that they want to be.  Show us how to relate to and empathize with others in a way that makes you smile and enriches lives in Your name.  Amen.