A Door Slammed Shut

Many are probably wondering how our follow up pre-interview went...NOT WELL.

We were invited back to "make sure we were on the same page," and that is soooo far from the truth. No new questions were asked by them, no greater understanding was sought, and no requests were made nor clarifications emphasized. Simply stated, we sat down with the director and our social worker, were told in generality they had concerns, and were invited back in two years for another pre-interview.

You might be wondering "why", or maybe you already know why and there is something obvious about us that we are failing to see within ourselves. Of course we asked why. The director started with this abstract metaphor about two paths towards parenting. One is the "natural route" and the other is adoption. She sees our situation and current orientation as somewhere in between (though her explanation really made it sound far more complicated).

I apologized for not understanding this perceived state of "in between" in her description, so she offered more examples such as the following:

1) "You still have hope for biological children. Many who are drawn to adoption by struggles with infertility accept that they will not have biological children. Your situation is more unique in that it is medically still possible. Its hard to grieve an unknown. God puts on all our hearts the desire to be parents, so that's natural. Still, you are still hoping for it."

Let me start by saying that I have never known hope to be a negative. I agree that unknowns are difficult. Before picking up the paperwork we had to accept that we many not know for a very long time if we will end up with biological kids or not. We know our lives may be filled with miscarriages, period. We don't like that but we've come to peace with it and feel moved not to wait around anymore.  Our desire to adopt is real, independent of that outcome.

2) "You've been through so much. Nine miscarriages is a lot and that must be very hard. Many people would be struggling in their marriage after all that. You both seem so strong, and you seem to have a very strong marriage, and you are doing so well. We'd be happy to revisit this process in a couple years. Oh, and maybe you should seek some counseling." (When asked for what they did not say.)

When you go through a lot you grow a lot. We are excited about the ways we've grown together and really believe we are better equipped to be stronger parents because of it. I would think an assessment that we are doing well, are strong, and have a solid marriage would be pros! The counseling recommendation was not backed with any rationale. It really came across as their own imagining about what our journey has been like. We've been on this journey for a while now. Its not new to us like its new to them. We'd be happy to help them understand it better, but it doesn't look like we'll be given that chance.

3) "Six months ago you were bargaining with me."

Six months ago we talked to the director with questions, as part of our research, not as part of an interview. We had not even applied. Leading up to that discussion we were under the impression (due to comments by others in their agency) that for our situation maybe we wouldn't have to tell them if we happened to get pregnant during the process, but rather if we passed a certain week of pregnancy and were "expecting". (In our situation; being pregnant does not mean we're necessarily "expecting" and we were curious to know what the agency wanted to know, and when they wanted to know it). During that discussion we were educated about the value of calling right away. We learned that it’s important for the birthmother to not have a family she has chosen show up pregnant and that the children in your home should be at least a year apart. We took this to heart and we applied last month fully recognizing this commitment.

4) "We don't know what your adoption story will be, and we are afraid that things could become very emotional and/or go wrong. We are trying to protect you."

We are aware that adoption has its own unknowns. Please tell me how you think you are protecting us and why you think we need it?

Basically we feel completely misjudged, punished for having hopes and dreams, for not having a black and white fertility diagnosis, and for being proactive and open with the agency even before we started the process. During their attempts at explanations, we suspected that our commitment was not fully understood, so we invited them to get to know us better and tried to communicate again our enthusiasm to adopt, independent of whether or not we end up having biological children, and our offer was declined. It was clear they had no plans on changing their minds. What's more frustrating is that the reason for our disqualification was based on a "feeling" that we are not commited to adopting, which we know to be false, and we wish we would have found a way to have shown the agency our resolve. If only they would have shared their concern with us prior to today, perhaps the outcome would have been different.

So here we are. We can return to the agency in two years for a re-evaluation if we so choose, but at this juncture that does not sound very inviting. Fortunately there are other avenues in which to pursue adoption. Confused by the outcome, we still stand behind our confidence that we were guided to this agency and at this time. Somewhere, somehow, our children and our story are waiting for us. I just don't know why they are so dog-gone hard to find!

We are still pursing adoption and I will continue to update this blog as our journey continues.  As we continue to struggle and have been knocked down again, please continue to pray that we are guided to where God wants us to be as we seek clarity for our next steps.