Dreaming

I catch myself dreaming a lot these days.

As the flurry of an Easter egg hunt sets off I lovingly watch our oldest nephew race for eggs while my mind sketches in our kids, trailing in their younger age but still excited by the same venture.  After the eggs are all accounted for they huddle together to show off their spoils amongst themselves, even voluntarily sharing candy (maybe, maybe not, but this is my dream talk).

As I watch my sister try on wedding gowns and plan the details of the big day in lovestruck anticipation, my mind fast forwards to the moment where I'm blessed to witness their exchange of vows from by her side.  I can't help but feel my glance to the back of the church where my mother-in-law tends to our new baby, who we aren't ready to leave at home yet because both our love and fears are greater than we could have ever imagined.  What a day of celebration as our family grows in two very much longed for and beautiful ways!

As we wake up at 9:30 on a Saturday morning to the quiet of sunshine, I wonder what tired will feel like when cries at 4am start the day, a treasured day started way too early but also so many years too late.

Its fun to get caught up in dreams.  So often I curse the unknown, but its this same unknown that lets me experience wonder and the courage to risk the familiar for something different, something bigger.  Dreams are what possibilities are made of.  I love to dream.

At the same time there is a reason "live in the moment" and "stop to smell the roses" are popular cliches.  If I dream my way through the present, someday I'll regret all that I didn't let myself experience, or maybe worse I won't even know what blessings passed by unnoticed.

This is a tradeoff I grapple with everyday, probably more often than that really.  The problem is that sometimes I get too attached to my dreams, and as time passes the possibility of their reality fades.  Though replaced by vibrant new dreams, a part of me is often grieving what didn't come to be or afraid of something that may not come to be.  I don't want to waste my emotion on fabrications, so I turn to prayer with the seemingly impossible hope of breaking the cycle.

Whenever I pray this prayer for God's help and His plan, I pray for His peace as well because I know I'm always getting in my own way.  Frankly this prayer often feels a little forced because I think I have some pretty awesome dreams its a lot easier to ask for His help in making those come true.  Of course I also share those dreams in my prayers because He did give me my heart and my imagination, but I ask that He help me hold my dreams in my open palm instead of a tight and paranoid fist.  There are other struggles in life that at the time I felt could never change, and miraculously they have!  As we continue to pray that God will bring children into our family, we also pray that He will guide us to a healthy balance of dreaming and trust.