That's Why it's at Christmas

Its Christmas, the time of year that should be simple and with a single focus.  God himself designed it that way, presenting one baby, in one humble cradle, in one plain manger, under one bright star, to fulfill one promise, giving us one hope, to be part of one family, united by one God, living as one love, as long as one perfect forever. 

Its Christmas, the time of year that reminds our quiet home of another year passed.  A memory of four years ago, arriving at my parents' house on Christmas Day to welcome our first very early loss.  We knew it was probably coming, but that day it was official and there was no more hoping that we were wrong.  Our journey had begun, no one knew, and we felt very alone.  A memory of three years ago, all dolled up, celebrating and socializing over a weekend of double header family parties, just wanting to go home and curl up in bed in silence because again it was happening at Christmas, though this time we had seen an ultrasound, seen a heartbeat, and really hoped it might be possible.  A memory of one year ago, having just picked up our paperwork with the first adoption agency, not knowing the heartbreak of being turned away that was waiting for us on this much "safer" path.

Its Christmas.  Its bittersweet.  Why are these memories so strongly associated with this time?  Why, God, do I fall so easily into the temptation of distraction, of sadness and longing, when there is so much I am grateful for and everyone's lives are full of trails? Maybe that too is simple, I'm human.  Maybe it's because if Satan were to try to derail me, of course he's going to use what hurts me the most at a time that should be so simple, so easily focused on God.  But why, God, WHY does it have to be at Christmas?

Then God wins.  Its Christmas Eve, the church is warm with wreaths and bows, with trees and stars, with bells and glow of joy in people's faces by the candlelight.  My heart still hurts, along with the headache that's making me feel nauseous.  Surely this is not how I envisioned one of our favorite services of the year unfolding.  The carols help bring me back to the moment and my husband rubs my head and reminds my how lucky I am to be cared for.  With my family by our side down the row, I'm able to take it in and the pastor offers,
                    "...and God gave us all a baby, for Christians and non-Christians alike, and without condition, He gave us all the gift of His Son."  

That's it.  That's why for us its at Christmas.  In the bundle that steals my heart, my focus, and my longing now and throughout the year, that causes me to fear and doubt, God comes to get me.  As I dream of our own baby He touches my chin, tilting my head to redirect my gaze into His eyes and says "I already gave you one."  It's through this bundle, through His Son, that every year we see the little baby in that manger scene that amidst our pain I can be reminded that God meets me where I'm at.  He's not waiting for me to get it all to together, to learn how to only be grateful and not sad, to figure out how to wait patiently, to live each day giving control to Him instead of trying to guess how and when and where and why.  No.  There's no condition.  He's come to get me, to guide me, and to stay with me, exactly where I'm at, and in every moment.  That's why he came long ago, and that's why He's here now.

That is the peace and confidence that he offers me to take into the New Year.  That's why for us its all at Christmastime.  That's why as service concludes and we leave the candlelight back into the distraction of our lives we sing, "Joy to the World!"